Noah: Mission Floatation

The Line Line Interview

By Glenn A. Hascall


The story of Noah as told through the medium of a news magazine television
show. Could easily be used for a puppet team.


Hankie Gottacold
Bryan Grumble
Ted Needahammer
Hannah Snagapuppie
Larry So-you-think-you-got-problems
Randy Goonie


A set for the Television show including a box (Possibly a large refrigerator box, with
a square cut out of it for a screen for the guests on location. Appropriate garb for each


(Music in)

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to Life Line, the hard-hitting news show for Greater
Mesopotamia. Many people call him a mad man - Tonight a two part series that probes the man behind the
ark in Life Line's Public Eye segment - Noah - Mission Floatation. And now here's your
host Bryan Grumble.

(Studio set with a box where guests pop as if on location - music fades as Bryan begins to

BRYAN: He claims that God asked him to build it. What is IT? Well it is a boat that has
one local carpenter's guild seeing red. We have local wood guild 101 member Hankie
Gottacold standing by at the local Dwelling Depot. Hank...

HANKIE: (Stuffy - as if he has a cold or allergies) That's Hankie, Bryant.

BRYAN: That's Bryan, Hankie.

HANKIE: (Says almost like a sneeze) Thank you.

BRYAN: Bless you.

HANKIE: I didn't sneeze.

BRYAN: Can someone tell me why this man is here? (Holds his hand up to his ear and
listens to the show producer) Oh, yea, that Noah thing. So, what's got your nose out of joint,

HANKIE: Oh, a nasty cold. Have you ever had one that just hangs on day after day after....

BRYAN: (Interrupting) Now why are you upset with this ark builder, Noah?

HANKIE: Have you seen the price of Gopher Wood?

BRYAN: (As Bryan talks Hankie slips out of the box and Ted waits for Bryan's cue)
Recent reports indicate that the price of Gopher wood has risen dramatically in recent times
as Noah continues to use this commodity in building a large landlocked boat he refers to as
an ark. Ted Needahammer is the manager at Dwelling Depot. (Ted pops up in the box as
the next guest) Ted how are things at your store?

TED: Well things were pretty good for a long time. Noah was our best customer, but since
he finished up his boat - well - sales have been pretty slim. There's just not much call for
Fig tree wood, although we did order an abundant supply of six-penny nails - on sale now ten
for the price of one.

BRYAN: Yes. So would you say that Noah has single handedly caused the demise of your

TED: I never thought about it that way (Pause) but now that you mention it, yea. He
shouldn't have done what he did.

BRYAN: Oh, really? And what did he do?

TED: Uh, What were we talking about.

(In the background) Clean up on aisle five.

TED: Say, I gotta go. (Ted bows out of the box and Hannah stands by)

BRYAN: It's becoming clear that this man is causing an outrage in our region, and not just
with local carpenters, homebuilders and discount lumber mills, but also the Mesopotamian
Animal Control Department. Officer Hannah Snagapuppie, what's your beef with the

HANNAH: This man is blatantly in violation of several provisions of Mesopotamian law, in
particular section 5, paragraph d, which does not provide for the harboring of dangerously
large animals.

BRYAN: So, he's breaking the law?

HANNAH: (Becomes embarrassed) Well, no not technically. He does live outside of town.

BRYAN: (Disappointed and confused) Oh. (Pause) Well, what sorts of animals is he

HANNAH: You name it he has it.

BRYAN: Lions?


BRYAN: Tigers?

HANNAH: Two of them.

BRYAN: Bears.

HANNAH: Several varieties.

BRYAN: Oh my! How about a Duck-billed Platypus?

HANNAH: A lovely couple.

BRYAN: A Barn Raised Fuzzy Mug.


BRYAN: Just wanted to see if you were listening. (Turns to the crowd) When we come back
we'll visit the notorious Noah and find out why he built the boat, why he's harboring the
animals and why he believes a storm of immense proportions will send us all to a watery
grave. We'll also visit with famed psychologist Larry So-you-think-you-got-problems who is
concerned about the mental state of this man.


ANNOUNCER: So you've finally made enough money to really live it up. Build your dream
hovel with the help of Dwelling Depot.

TED: (Pops up in the TV box) You'll be the envy of all your peasant friends when you build
a spiffy structure with the ever-popular Fig Tree Wood. Figs sold separately.

ANNOUNCER: Dwelling Depot is standing by with quality materials to last the lifetime of
your home. Saws, hammers, chisels, You name it they have it. (Take a deep breath).

HANKIE: (Pops up in TV box and interrupts) Even Gopher Wood?

ANNOUNCER: Except Gopher wood and pitch. See our ad in this weekend's
Mesopotamian Metro. Dwelling Depot on the corner of Methuselah Boulevard and Ark
Creek Drive. Call 555-4545.

(Back to the show)

BRYAN: What compels a man to spend several decades building a boat with an interior
large enough to hold the entire town. A boat, by the way, that is too big to be successfully
moved to any body of water large enough to hold the vessel. Psychologist Larry
So-you-think-you-got-problems has a theory...

LARRY: (Pops up in the TV box) This disorder has its roots in being obsessive/compulsive.
A small dinghy was not enough for Noah. No, he had to keep building. Once he had built a
boat big enough to hold his entire family comfortably, he dreamed of a houseboat. As you
can see this obsessive-compulsive disorder led to a greater and greater need for a larger
craft. I believe the only reason he quit building was the acute lack of the
appropriate wood.

BRYAN: And what about the animals that have been arriving at his ark in recent days.

LARRY: Perhaps Noah's dementia has been recognized by the beasts. Now they feel no
threat from the long time boat builder. (Larry leaves the box)

BRYAN: Hearing from the man himself may help shed some light on the recent mess in
Mesopotamia. (Noah pops up in the TV box) Your actions have left so many angry and

NOAH: Oh, I understand completely.

BRYAN: (Confused) You do?

NOAH: Of course, the lack of wood, the arrival of animals. People think I have nothing
better to do with my life than make their miserable.

BRYAN: Don't you think they might have a point?

NOAH: If I was them I could agree, but I'm not. The God of Heaven and earth, sunshine
and (pause for effect) RAIN, told me to build it. He has decided that a great flood will
devastate the world with global coverage. God sent the animals to me so that they might
escape the destruction to come.

BRYAN: Do you know how crazy that sounds?

NOAH: Yes, I am aware. However, when God spoke, I listened. When He said build, I built.
When he said it would rain, I believed him.

BRYAN: So God has in mind to only save you and your family?

NOAH: No, He is willing to save all that believe and will accept the invitation to find shelter
in the safety of the vessel he has provided.

BRYAN: The Ark (A statement).

NOAH: Exactly! Now if you will excuse me (Looks up toward the sky), I must make final
preparations for the storm. (Leaves the TV Box)

BRYAN: Controversial, yet intriguing. Noah has a firm belief in something that makes little
sense and describes an event that defies logic. The decision is your. (Thunder sound effects
if available) Noah; lunatic or Ark building prophet. For Life Line, I'm Bryan Grumble.

ANNOUNCER: And now this week's edition of Randy Gooney.

RANDY: (Pops up in TV Box) You know what I hate, people who think they know what's on
God's mind. I mean, it's not like God is talking to people. At least He's never talked to me.
I've gotten letters that tell me that God hasn't spoken to you either. Then there's this goofy
ark builder by the name of Noah that insists on building a boat that's bigger than my office -
the nerve of some people. Why, I'm adored by hundreds and have worked hard all my life at
being cynical. (A person interrupts and whispers in his ear) Are you sure? (Whispers some
more - Randy is disgusted) This has never happened to me in all my years of broadcasting.
(Exasperated) I'm sorry, it seems our show is being cut short because of some little storm.
Join me next week when I'll tell you why a worldwide flood will never happen. For Life Line,
I'm Randy Gooney.

Copyright Glenn A.Hascall, all rights reserved. This script may be used free of charge, provided no charge is made for entry. In return, the author would appreciate being notified of any performance. He may be contacted at glenn.hascall<a>