By Paul E. Russell
Using the letters of 'WELCOME', two people try to construct a list of animals that the Lord created for us all. Well…they try!
Person One & Person Two
Person One: We have the pleasure of welcoming you to church this morning.
Person Two: We have decided that we would like to welcome you in an acrostic manner.
Person One: We looked around us and saw all of the wondrous animals that the Lord had created and put together this acrostic welcome mentioning all of these amazing creatures.
Person Two: 'W' is for walrus, wombat, the willy wagtail and the wren, the woodchuck, the weasel, the warthog, the worm, the wallaby and the weevil, all these creatures of God make us feel truly blessed.
Person One: 'E' . . . E is for . . .um . . .Egyptian death adder, and of course there is always the um . . . e . . e . . egg. Egyptian Death Adder and egg .
Person Two: We are talking about great animals of the Lord and you pick one with the word death in the title and the other isn't even technically an animal!!
Person One: An egg is where all animals come from.
Person Two: Except mammals .
Person One: Well of course, but all normal animals come from eggs.
Person Two: I mean… really… Egyptian Death Adder! First I am not sure if an adjective even counts in an acrostic poem. but imagine for a second that it actually does. Why a death adder? I mean, for starters it is not the most pleasant sounding animal, and secondly that's an Australian Death Adder, not Egyptian.
Person One: Sure, it's easy for you. You got 'W'. How many million animals begin with W. I got stuck with E. There are literally no animals in the world that begin with E.
Person Two: Look, 'Welcome' has two E's in it. How about, to make things fairer I'll take the second 'E'.
Person One: Good, then we will see who's laughing.
Person Two: Okay, that means we are up to 'L'.
Person One: This will be good, go on WOW us (sarcasm).
Person Two: Lion.
Person One: Obvious.
Person Two: Lemur, the lama.
Person One: Hey, that's cheating; you said the same animal twice.
Person Two: I assure you my friend, a Lemur and a Lama are quite different.
Person One: Fine, is that all you've got, three? (mumbles) I could have done three.
Person Two: Lynx, lab, lamb, lobster, lizard . . .
Person One: Okay, okay we get the point. It's my turn again, W . . .E. . . L . . . C…
Person Two: Would it help if I wrote it on a board for you?
Person One: No I've got it, this one is going to be easy, C is for . . .c . . . c . . Oh crumbs, you've rigged this.
Person Two: I don't think crumbs are animals.
Person One: Very funny. Koala?
Person Two: Nope, that's a K.
Person One: Cantaloupe.
Person Two: Fruit.
Person One: Crazy Horse.
Person Two: Native American.
Person One: Who's idea was this anyway? Can't we just welcome these lovely people in the traditional way.
Person Two: What, with hugs and kisses?
Person One: Ahh! Only if you take that side (points to one side of the audience).
Person Two: Are you giving up on animals that begin with C.
Person One: Unless you'll let me have the Cairo death adder. (Person Two shakes head) I didn't think so.
Person Two: So I get to do O then?
Person One: Hang on a second . . .o . . o . . . o . . (thinks of o words mumbling) Nope, O is yours, give it your best.
Person Two: Ostrich (Person One clicks his fingers and yells).
Person One: Oh, I should have said I'd have O.
Person Two: You can still have it if you want it.
Person One: Really? Mmm O . . .o. . . no I think it's yours.
Person Two: Fine, orang-utan, owl, otter, octopus…
Person One: Hang on, stop right there, I want to finish 'O'.
Person Two: That's fine with me.
Person One: Old, olive eating oinker.
Person Two: Oinker?
Person One: Yeah, like a pig.
Person Two: How many pigs do you know that eat olives?
Person One: I haven't met very many pigs, but they are not the most social animal.
Person Two: Are you going to do M?
Person One: You bet, I've been waiting for this one. (smiles and triumphantly states) Mammals.
Person Two: But mammals are a collection of animals.
Person One: Yep, I know (smiling).
Person Two: It doesn't count, you have to think of specific animals.
Person One: Oh, you mean like a M . . . m. .Mac . Mactruffle.
Person Two: I'm sorry!!?
Person One: A Mactruffle, it is a native American truffle used to enhance the flavour of hamburgers.
Person Two: You don't expect me to believe that do you?
Person One: Like you would have done any better. Anyways, we are up to E big shot. Shock us all with your amazing ability to think of E animals.
Person Two: What, like Emu and Elephant?
Person One: Oh, yeah, I guess. Hey, anyone could have come up with those two.
Person Two: You didn't.
Person One: Bet you can't come up with five more.
Person Two: What do you bet?
Person One: If I win, next week I get to start the welcome.
Person Two: And if I win, next week I'm doing the welcome with someone else.
Person One: Deal.
Person Two: Egret, Eel, Earwig, and Echidna.
Person One: That's four hot-shot, can't think of any more can you.
Person Two: Eland.
Person One: A what?
Person Two: An eland, it is native to Africa and is their largest antelope. It has very large twisted horns and a very heavy body.
Person One: Oh . . . so I guess next week I'll have to watch from out there. No, don't try and stop me, a bet's a bet . . . (half walks away) I mean this is the house of the Lord and forgiveness is common, but I will understand . . .you want to branch out . . . leave the dead wood behind.
Person Two: Oh fine, you can do it with me again next week.
Person One: Really! Can I start?
Person Two: No.
Person One: Can I choose the topic?
Person Two: No.
Person One: Can I . . .
Person Two: No.
Person One: Thank you.
Person Two: No problem.
Person One & Person Two: Welcome.
This is a Paul E. Russell script. Please notify him by email if you choose to produce this skit. His address is firstname.lastname@example.org . The writer would also appreciate any feedback and photographs of the production.