Fed Ex

 By Fred Lane


A single woman, who is never satisfied with the men in her life, mail orders a guy.


2 females (Carla and Tammy),
2 males (Fed Ex person, and person in box);
2 females on stage are friends, 1 male is Fed Ex delivery man, one male is in big cardboard box.  Tammy is wearing sweats, delivery man is wearing something that looks like a delivery man would wear and a ball cap; person in box and Carla are wearing casual clothes.
Props: big cardboard box (big enough for a person to hide in), hand truck, 2 chairs, magazine, clipboard, jogging shoes


(Scene: Carla is seated on stage reading a magazine.)

Tammy (enters from right): Carla, have you seen my jogging shoes?

Carla: (doesn't look up from magazine) Your jogging shoes? Ah, yeah.  I think they are next to the door.

Tammy: Oh, I see them. (walks to opposite side of stage and picks up shoes next to the side door) Thanks. (Walks to empty chair, sits and starts to put on shoes) (As she puts on shoes, she says) So, which magazine is that?

Carla: (Looks at Tammy) Oh, it's ah......(Glances at magazine cover) __________________.

Tammy: (Continues putting on shoes) So, see anything nice?

Carla: No (pause) well, as a matter of fact, I did, Tammy. Look here (turns to the back of the magazine and pretends to show Tammy an ad)

Tammy (Looks at the ad, then looks back at Carla with disbelief): Oh, come on, Carla. You didn't order another one, did you?

Carla: (smugly) Of course I did! The last one I got didn't last more than 2 weeks before I had to send it back.

Tammy: (stands up and begins to stretch for running) And how many did that make? It's got to be at least a dozen!

Carla: Well, for your information, I have only had 9! (slouches in chair and buries her face in the magazine) Not counting this one!

(Knock at the door)

Carla (jumps up and runs to the door) I'll get it!

(Tammy stretches for a moment, then sits in her chair)

Carla (answers door) Who is it?

Fed Ex: (Steps onto stage) It's Fed Ex. I have a delivery for...(pause to look at clipboard, then at Carla) Carla Jones.

Carla: I'm Carla

Fed Ex: Okay (hands Carla the clipboard) Sign on the last line, please.

Carla: (Signs clipboard and hands it back)

Fed Ex. Thanks. Where do you want it?

Carla: (Points to the middle of the stage) Over there is fine.

Fed Ex: (takes box to center of stage with hand truck and leaves stage; Carla follows the box)

Tammy (gets up and joins Carla at box)

Carla: Oh, boy! I can't wait to see what this one will be like! (Starts to open the box)

Tammy: Wait a minute, Carla! There's some instruction materials taped to the side

Carla (glumly stops) Okay, I guess I'll look at the instructions first. (tears instructions off box side and looks at them)

Tammy (Pauses, then crosses her arms and says) Well?!!!

Carla: (Speaks while looking at sheet) Will you wait a minute? You're the one that insisted on reading this! (pause) It says that you must use great care in opening the box so the mechandise will not be damaged (pause to read) And, on removal, inspect contents for signs of rough handling...

Tammy: I'm sure you'll take care of that. You practically destroyed the other ones!

Carla: (Sticks her tongue out at Tammy) Did not! They just weren't strong enough! (Goes back to the sheet) ...And if treated with care it should last for many years.

Tammy: They obviously don't know you!

Carla: Tammy if you don't stop!.....

Tammy: Okay, okay,.....open it up and let's see what you got!

Carla: (removes tape from top and opens top; reaches in and helps guy in box to stand up in box; she steps back to examine him; turns him around to look at all sides, as if lookingat new merchandise....)

Tammy (steps back to look at him with her hand on her chin) Well, what do you think? Does this one meet your ÏspecificationsÓ?

Carla: (continues to inspect) Well, I don't know (pause) He's just not what I thought he would be. He just doesn't look like the pictures in the magazine ad. (steps back and crosses her arms, looking disgusted)

Tammy: So, what are you going to do?

Carla: I guess I'll send him back. (shakes head)

Tammy: And order another one, right?

Carla: Sure! Eventually I'm bound to get the one I'm looking for!


© Fred Lane, Crosswind Community Church, All rights reserved
This play may be performed free of charge, on the condition that copies are not sold for profit in any medium, nor any entrance fee charged. In exchange for free performance, the author would appreciate being notified of when and for what purpose the play is performed. He may be contacted at: advpastor@gmail.com