Money Is No Object

by Joanne Miller


A homeless couple has found a way into a theater when no one else is around. They pretend to be a wealthy couple who keep receiving invitations to charity balls and their biggest problem is what gowns and jewelry to wear to the next event.  While they are play- acting the theater manager comes in and discovers that they have ďbroken intoĒ his theater again.


Rosie Ė homeless woman.
Billy -   homeless man
Mr. Chambers Ė Theater Producer


(Scene opens with Rosie and Billy seated at an elegant breakfast table.  Both are dressed in formal dressing gowns and heavily made up.  Both speak in upper class tones.)

Rosie: (Opening mail) Did you sleep well, Richard?

Billy: (Reading a day old Wall Street Journal) Like a top, Pamela.  I do believe that new mattress set we purchased is the best weíve ever owned.

Rosie: Yes, I believe so.  It was worth every penny.

Billy: Of course, money was no object.

Rosie: Absolutely not, Dear.  Oh my, another invitation.  What a bore!

Billy: Not another?  Who is inviting us now, Pamela?

Rosie: Oh, itís from the Pierce-Newtons.  They want us to come to their charity ball next Saturday.

Billy: Another charity ball?  Didnít they just have one last month?

Rosie: Yes, Richard, but that was for the Save the Ladybug Foundation.  This one is for the Preserve the Pigeons Fund.

Billy: I see.  I suppose we shall have to attend.

Rosie: I suppose we shall.  We certainly donít want to offend the Pierce-Newtons.

Billy: No indeed!  Nor the pigeons!

Rosie: Will you write the check, Richard, or shall I?

Billy: I can write it, Pamela.  (Pulls out checkbook)  What is the amount?

Rosie: The invitation says $200.00 per plate.

Billy: So thatís $400.00 then.

Rosie: Oh but, Richard, itís for such a good cause, and we did send extra for the last benefit.  Perhaps we should send a bit more.

Billy: Why not.  After all...

Together: is no object.

Rosie: Right and after all, as I always say, if you have it, spend it!

Billy: Right you are, Pamela.

Rosie: Oh dear, now I shall have to decide what to wear.  Letís see, I wore my wine colored gown to the Civic Center Gala last week.  The week before that we attended the opening of the Royal Theatre and I wore Ö  Oh, my what did I wear, Richard?

Billy: Letís see, I believe you wore the Pierre Cardin original with your blue sapphire and diamond necklace.

Rosie: Yes, Richard, youíre right because I was forced to call Tiffanyís for the matching earrings.  Remember, dear, I had lost my other pair.

Billy: Yes, Pamela, I remember but I found them in my tuxedo pocket.

Rosie: Ah well, you can never have enough blue sapphire and diamond earrings.

Billy: Yes, thatís true.

Rosie: But I still havenít solved the problem of what to wear to this upcoming ball at the Pierce-Newtons.

Billy: Perhaps you should just buy a new gown, Pamela.

Rosie: But, Darling, you know how I hate to shop.

Billy: So just call up Harrodís and have them send you a few gowns to choose from.  Then you can keep whatever you like and send the rest back.

Rosie: Thatís a wonderful idea, Richard!  Of course, they have all my measurements.  They can just have some gowns made up and sent to me.  After all ...

Together: is no object!

Billy:  Right you are, Pamela.

Rosie: Perhaps Iíll have them send some new jewels as well.

Billy: Oh no, Darling, their jewelry is always inferior to Ste. Michelís in Paris.  Call them for your jewelry.

Rosie: Yes youíre right, Richard.  I think Iíll call right now.

(Mr. Chambers enters.)

Mr. Chambers: Billy and Rosie!  What have I told you about this?

Billy: (Immediate character change) Mr. Chambers!  We didnít think youíd be here this morning!

Mr. Chambers: Obviously!  How many times do I have to tell you that this is a theater not a homeless shelter?

Rosie: We ainít doing no harm Mr. Chambers.  Do you know how crowded and smelly it is at that shelter?  Some of those guys are bums!

Mr. Chambers: Now listen, Rosie.  I canít have the two of you camping out in my theater!  Billy, take that robe off!  You too, Rosie!  And the wigs!  (Rosie and Billy are dressed in old ragged clothes underneath the fine robes)  I see youíve been into the make-up again too.  Just look at the two of you.  Youíve probably used up a weekís worth of make-up.  I suppose you slept here as well!

Rosie: Do you know how comfortable that new bed is?

Mr. Chambers: No, but Iím sure you do!  Now listen, because Iím only going to tell you this once more.  The two of you are not allowed on these premises.  If I catch you here again at any time, Iím going to call the police and have you put in jail.

Billy: Aw, Mr. Chambers, you wouldnít really do that to a couple of harmless people who are a little down on their luck, would you?

Mr. Chambers: You bet I would.  If I let this go on I could lose my job.  Then Iíd be in the homeless shelter too.

Billy: Aw, Mr. Chambers, we could always show you how to get in here.

Mr. Chambers: (Chasing them off the stage) Out! Out! Out!

Lights out.
Copyright John & Joanne Miller, all rights reserved.
This script may be performed free of charge, provided no charge is made for entrance or for programmes. In return, the
authors would like to be notified of any performance. For further information regarding performance rights, they may be
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