Sylvia: (as she enters) Andrea, Delwyn! It’s 'alf past eight! ‘urry up and do the dishes!
(Wayne sits on couch with feet on vacuum cleaner)
Delwyn: (from offstage) We’ll get round to it soon, Mum.
Sylvia: (sitting down on couch and putting feet on washing pile) They’d better start on 'em soon. There’s 4 or 5 nights worth ta get through..
Wayne: Don’t worry, luv – leave it ta the kids. Let’s just watch a spot of tele.
(Wayne points remote at imaginary TV. They both open their chips and Wayne starts eating. During their conversation, unless otherwise stated Wayne stares fixedly at the TV)
Sylvia: What’s the cleaner doin’ ‘ere?
Wayne: It’s stuffed again. I ‘adn’t luxed the floors this month, so I made a start before tea. But we never got round to replacing the bag….it’s been in there since some time last year.
Sylvia: (pushes vacuum cleaner switch, picks up wand) Think it’s really stuffed this time, Wayne.
Wayne: Don’t worry, luv, she’ll be right. I’ll take it on down to the repair shop. Gotta be somefing they can do.
Sylvia: (yelling behind her) Delwyn! I can’t ‘ear no running water. When’re you girls goin’ to start on the dishes?
Delwyn: (from offstage) We’ll get round to it soon, Mum.
Wayne: Mind ya Mother, girls, or it’ll be off to bed wiv no supper.
Sylvia: Ya know, Wayne, I’ve been thinking…maybe the kids’re getting away on us.
Wayne: What d’ya mean, Sylvia? They’re decent enough kids.
Sylvia: Well, now … there’s Derek. I don’t think ‘e’s ‘ad a shower in 2 weeks and I don’t know when ‘e last brushed ‘is teeth. ‘e just sits around on that computer shootin’ at those alien things.
Wayne: C’mon, Sylvia, don’t worry y’self. ‘e’s a normal 13 year old boy. I was jus’ like ‘im when I was ‘is age and I’ve turned out all right. (stuffs 2 chips in his mouth and eats with his mouth open)
Sylvia: But there’s ‘is school work too, Wayne. ‘is teacher says ‘e’s great at basket ball but ‘e needs ‘elp on ‘is reading ‘n’ maths. She says ‘e needs to do ‘is ‘omework ev’ry night or ‘e’ll never amount ta much.
Wayne: ‘e’ll get round to it, you’ll see, Sylvia (yelling back stage) Derek, get orf that computer and do ya homework.
Derek: (from offstage) Yes, Dad…
Wayne: See, ‘e’s a good lad really.
Sylvia: Then there’s Delwyn and Andrea. They keep saying they’ll tidy up their room., but they never seem to get around to it. There’s dirty clothes all over the floor and their beds are never made (pause) mind you, I don’t think I got round to making our bed this morning either…
Wayne: I’ll ‘ave a word wiv the girls tomorrow. You’ll see, Sylvia. They’ll be all right.
Sylvia: You’re a good father, Wayne. (Fishing in washing basket) Now talking of school reports, where did I put that mail? (Leaps onto couch shrieking) Wayne! Wayne!
Wayne: Calm down, Sylvia, it’s just a movie, luv.
Sylvia: (still shrieking) It’s not a movie! It’s a mouse! There it is! It’s behind the tele now!
Wayne: (getting up and shooing it away) It’s okay, ya can sit down. I must get round to buying a trap. That’s the third mouse we’ve seen this week!
Sylvia: (pointing gingerly at washing basket) Can you get the mail out for me, Wayne? I don’t want to risk another one.
Wayne: What’s it doin’ in the washin’, Sylvia? Funny place to keep the mail. (Starts fishing in basket)
Sylvia: I cleared the box when I got things off the line on Thursday, but I never got round to opening it. Saturday’s washin’ went on top. It should be in the middle somewhere.
Wayne: (finding the pile) Yeah, ‘ere it is. (Looks at each one as he
passes it to her) Bank statement…can’t see much
point in those… (Screws it up and tosses it over back of couch) That’ll
be Derek’s report. We’ll look at that later. (Puts it back on washing pile)
Contours – ‘ere, you might be interested in this one, Sylvia (hands it
to her and loses interest in the mail, leaves last envelope on his knee)
Sylvia: (opening envelope) They say they ‘aven’t seen me at the gym for 3 months and ‘ow’s me diet goin’. I must get round to goin’ there again some time.
Wayne: You’ll be right, Sylvia. You’re still the sweet little thing I married.
Sylvia: (to herself) I don’t know where my figure went? I was size 12 before Derek came along (counting on her fingers) then size 16 after Delwyn and size 18 after Andrea and now …? (taking another chip) It would be nice t’be a bit fitter. What d’ya think, Wayne?
Wayne: Yeah, Sylvia, I’m sure y’right. Maybe we should go for a walk some time. (takes another chip)
Sylvia: (noticing last envelope) What’s this, Wayne? Looks like a power bill. (Opens it and reads) Eh, what’s this?
Wayne: I’ll get on to it, Sylvia. Don’t worry, luv.
Sylvia: But look, Wayne. It says ‘Third and final notice. If this account is not paid by August 13, 9:00 pm your electricity will automatically be disconnected.’
Wayne: I’ll pop in some time this week and fix it up.
Sylvia: (checking TV guide) But, Wayne, taday’s the 13th!
Wayne: (taking notice this time) Let’s ‘ave a look, Sylvia … 9 o’clock?… (Agitated now)What’s the time luv?
(Lights out)
Derek: (from off stage) Heh, Dad! Something’s wrong with the
computer!
.............................................
© Erina Caradus (Dunedin City Baptist) August 2000
All rights reserved
This play may be performed free of charge, on the condition that copies
are not sold in any medium, nor any entrance fee charged. In exchange for
free performance, the author would appreciate being notified of when and
for what purpose the play is performed. Our drama group can be contacted
at the following address: Caradii@xtra.co.nz