By Simon & Sue Kingham
An amusing look at two guys discussing the search for the perfect partner.
(1:) - single, a bit older, not so cool, has a long term girlfriend
(2:) - single, bit of a lad, fairly cool, has loads of women
1: So, how is the lovely Sharon?
1: You know, your girlfriend, Sharon, her with the nice buns.
2: You mean Sharon who works at the bakers. I stopped going out with her nearly a week ago, I've been out with Cindy and Candy since then.
1: Two girlfriends in a week.
2: Yea, it was just a quiet week, but I'm not going with them now.
1: So, who are you going out with now?
1: Get away, you with no girlfriend, I don't believe it.
2: It's not funny, I'm quite depressed about it actually.
1: I'm sorry mate. I've got an idea, let's look in the lonely hearts section of the paper.
2: Worth a try, I suppose.
1: Here we are - 20 years old, attractive, sleek, sporty, goes well.
1: Wait a minute ... good runner, only 20,000 miles on the clock... sorry mate, this is the wrong section.
2: Oh mate.
1: Let's try again, here we go - 28, Eastern European.
2: Sounds good, I quite fancy an exotic continental chick.
1: Tall, strong.
2: Yes sir, I like em sporty.
1: Well travelled.
2: Travel's good.
1: Likes eating out or in or anywhere, likes all sports especially shot putting, discus, and power lifting, for further details contact the Bulgarian Directorate for Sport.
2: Hold on, I don't want one of those East German sports women, get serious.
2: It's not funny.
1: Don't worry, you'll find a nice girl, just give it time.
2: Time, I haven't got time, I've never been on my own before.
1: So what do you want in a girlfriend?
2: I want a nice, steady, long, loving relationship like I had with Heather.
1: How long did you go out with her?
2: Nearly 3 weeks.
1: Why did it end?
2: You can't stay with one person too long.
1: You haven't got a hope.
2: All I want is a nice girlfriend.
1: So tell me what you want, what you really really want?
2: I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want?
1: (pause) So tell me what you want, what you really really want?
2: I want a cig, I want a cig, I wanta cig cigar (pulls out cigar)
2: I want a really nice girl.
1: And what would your ideal girl be?
2: I don't ask for much... tall, blond, attractive, nice personality, caring, not too talkative, good at cooking, athletic, intelligent, well spoken, sensitive, reliable, hard working, sophisticated, charming, ......
1: Calm down mate, "I don't ask for much" (mocking)
2: You asked.
1: You should go on Blind Date
2: That's not a bad idea.
1: I was joking.
2: It's a good idea, some nice looking girls on that programme.
1: It's so false, just a load of fake questions, loaded answers, and the person chosen is always some weirdo with loud trousers and a goatie beard.
2: It's not that bad.
1: So how do you find your girlfriends normally then?
2: I set up this scoring system, right? Marks for general looks, length of legs, hair colour, sporting ability... stuff like that.
1: What about the sax.
2: Phouew, oh yea, course that's important.
1: No, sax, saxophone, Sharon and that other girl both played didn't they.
2: Funny you should say that. I misheard both of them on the first date, I thought they said they were great at .. (interrupted)
1: Thanks, I get the picture. And what about love.
1: Love, you know, that thing where two people really like each other.
2: I don't really know about that.
1: So it's just the person with the best score.
2: Pretty much, so I suppose your girlfriend's perfect?
1: She does alright, but no-one's ever been perfect, or have they?
© Copyright Simon & Sue Kingham. All rights reserved.
This script may be performed free of royalty, provided no charge is made for the performance. In return, the authors would appreciate being notified of any use. They may be contacted at email@example.com