Services Rendered

By Glenn A. Hascall


Rick is upset that a door-to-door salesman would suggest that he allow him to bring someone over to the house who would swear in front of his family at no charge. But Rick discovers he has been using this service for a long time.


Rick (householder)
Lucas (salesman)
Wife, and children (non-speaking)

Setting: A living room. A family is watching TV totally oblivious of the conversation between Rick and Lucas. If possible keep stage fairly dark so the TV (no sound) illuminates the faces of the engrossed family.


(Doorbell rings - Rick gets up to answer the door, Lucas walks in and extends his hand)

LUCAS: Good day, sir. My name is Lucas and I...

RICK: (Tries to be gentle) I'm sorry, Lucas but we don't buy from door-to-door salesmen. I know that sounds harsh, but it's just what we've decided is best for our family.

LUCAS: But, uh... (Fishing for the mans name)

RICK: Rick

LUCAS: Rick, right. You haven't even heard what I'm offering.

RICK: Whatever it is, it's not in my budget.

LUCAS: But that's the beauty of my offer, Ron. It won't cost you a thing.

RICK: (Unsure of how to respond) I, uh...

LUCAS: Exactly, Ron.

RICK: That's Rick...

LUCAS: Right. What I have to offer you is available at no cost. (Places his arm around Rick's shoulder and looks upward, tracing the idea like a headline) Our company will send a representative to your home on a daily basis to educate and entertain.

RICK: Sounds good.

LUCAS: I thought you'd like it, Ralph.

RICK: That's Rick.

LUCAS: Sure it is. Our representative will amuse you with humorous stories and jokes. And remember, Raul....

RICK: That's Rick.

LUCAS: (Excited) Right ... and best of all, our representative will subject your family to the most vile forms of swearing and adult themes imaginable.

RICK: (Can't believe what he's hearing) Excuse me, what did you say?

LUCAS: (Continues as if there had been no interruption) Oh, but there's more. We also provide an objectionable morals option. We send someone over to contradict much of what you teach your children.

RICK: I can't believe...

LUCAS: (Interrupts) I know it's too good to be true, isn't it. I figure you send your kids to Sunday School, right?

RICK: Yes, but...

LUCAS: And they've learned some (said without enthusiasm) "good things" over the years.

RICK: I sure hope so.

LUCAS: Well, Randy...

RICK: That's Rick...

LUCAS: Our company is not entirely comfortable with what they have been learning. When I say "they", I mean your children.  That's why we're offering our services at no cost. Believe me our staff are very intentional about what they do.

RICK: Do you realize what you're saying?

LUCAS: (Continues as if there had been no interruption) We want to be part of your family life and we're willing to interact with your family anytime you want us to, Roger.

RICK: That's Ron. I mean Rick.

LUCAS: You seem confused, Robin. Is there anything I can do to help clear things up for you?

RICK: What makes you think I would let you in and allow you to swear in front of my family and allow you to present questionable morals to them...

LUCAS: I think I used the word objectionable.

RICK: (Continues with thought as if uninterrupted) ...let alone present my children with adult themes cleverly disguised as humorous stories or jokes.

LUCAS: Perhaps I was misinformed, Rodney.

RICK: (Increasingly upset) That's Rick, and yes, I think you have been misinformed. I wouldn't welcome anyone into my home that did those things.

LUCAS: (Flips through some paperwork) I just don't understand this - my records indicate that you have a television.

RICK: So what's your point?

LUCAS: And you have cable?

RICK: Doesn't everyone?

LUCAS: And you rent movies?

RICK: Yes.

LUCAS: And they're all "G" rated?

RICK: (Slightly embarrassed) Well, not all of them.

LUCAS: Do your children ever watch these movies with you?

RICK: Sometimes THEY pick them out.

LUCAS: But there's no cussing or adult themes in them, right?

RICK: Well, it's hard to watch TV or a movie these days without those

LUCAS: (Pause and then very seriously) Rick, you're telling me that you wouldn't let me bring someone to your home to swear and tell dirty jokes? The truth is, you've already let us in. Thank you for your business.

Fade to Black

Copyright 2002 by Glenn A. Hascall and CMI Publishing
If you use this script would you please be so kind as to let us know? Email: glenn.hascall<a>