(Adapted by unknown author from an original script by Nick Page.)
The missionary call is somewhat suspect in this surfer!
Ernest Green (a surfer)
(INTERVIEWER is sitting at desk. Knock on door and GREEN enters.)
GREEN:Hello, is this the Missions employment office?
INTER: Er, yes.
GREEN: Well, my name is Ernest Green and I have come about a job.
GREEN: I'd like to be a missionary please &emdash; and I have my CV.
INTER: I see. What exactly have. you in mind?
GREEN: Well, you know - just the normal. Trekking up the Zambezi with my native bearers. Bringing the light to the Dark Continent and all that. I mean, for some time now I have been feeling that God is calling me to be a missionary.
INTER: When did you first feel the call?
GREEN: On the beach I was sitting there thinking. Ernest, you've got to go and do something. Something for the poor and needy. I couldn't be a pastor because I haven't got 8th form certificate. And I can't work with kids because I hate kids. And I haven't got a job, so' I thought, right - a missionary.
INTER: I see.
GREEN: After all, doth it not saith in the Good Book -"Go and disable all nations"?
INTER: Disciple not disable, Mr Green.
INTER: Disciple &emdash; make disciples.
GREEN: Oh yes. I thought that didn't seem a very Christian thing to do.
INTER: Yeth. I mean, yes it does.
GREEN: Well, there you are then.
INTER: Er .. . . Mr Green, it doesn't seem a very clear call to me.
GREEN: Oh, I've tested it.
INTER: Ah, have you. Well, that's a bit more like it.
GREEN: I was standing at the bus stop and I said, "Lord, if you want me to be a Tentmaker then let the 889 come along in one minute. And it did.
GREEN: And then another miracle happened. A car drew up and the driver said to me, 'Do you know the way to Simpson Road?'
(INTERVIEWER looks blankly)
You don't get it, do you?
GREEN: Well, it you change the 'p' in Simpson for an i and then alter all the letters around you get 'mission'. Don't tell me that's just coincidence!
INTER: Well now, Mr Green, have you any skills you can offer us?
GREEN: You name it, I can do it.
INTER: Well, are you a builder?
INTER: Accountant? Administrator?.
GREEN: Not exactly, no.
INTER: Teacher, electrician, mechanical engineer?
GREEN: (mumbling) No. (Shakes his head)
INTER: Translator, pilot, doctor?
INTER: You're a doctor!
INTER: I thought you said, if I name it you can do it?
GREEN: Yes, but you haven't named it yet.
INTER: Well, what can you do, Mr Green?
GREEN: I can ride a boogey board. I was thinking along the lines of Bali or Surfers Paradise. Somewhere warm. So, I can be a missionary then?
INTER: Mr Green, I'm going to be entirely frank with you now. I don't believe you have thought this out fully. You have no clear calling, no professional skills and little idea of what a missionary does.
GREEN: Is that yes or no?
GREEN: Don't try to spare my feelings, just give it to me straight.
INTER: Mr Green, you need commitment to be a missionary. You need to be sure.
GREEN: I am sure. You're just trying to stifle my call.
INTER: I'm not.
GREEN: You are. I'm being stifled. You're stamping on my convictions.
INTER: Look, it's just that I'm not sure you've given this matter enough thought!
GREEN: I thought you needed people.
INTER: We do. There is a desperate need. But more than that, there is a desperate need for committed Christians, no matter where they are.
GREEN: I could be committed.
INTER: You probably will be, but that's not the point. There are plenty of things you can do to help. You can raise funds. You can pray.
GREEN: No, that's not good enough. I can't be bothered with all that. I want the glamour, the excitement.
INTER: We're not in the business of glamour. We're in the business of hard work. The world needs Christians who are prepared for hard work.
GREEN: Well, not to worry. You can't win them all. I'll put plan B into action.
INTER: What's plan B?
GREEN: I'll go surfing.
Adapted by unknown author from an original script by Nick Page.
This play may be performed free of charge, on the condition that copies are not sold for profit in any medium, nor any entrance fee charged.