By Glenn A. Hascall
A citizen of Spartan visits a bumbling hard boiled Don Duckshearer about something that she is missing. After a few false starts Don finds the source of what she is missing and helps set Mary Anne back to a peace that passes understanding. A spoof of old time detective shows.
VOICEs # 1, # 2, # 3 (all off stage - not gender specific)
Fedora, Vintage 1940's clothing, notebook, pen, old phone, purse, (Other Props as desired) Cast can rotate around Detective Duckshearer without a lot of set design needed.
DON: It was a day like any other day; Charlie had a pot of coffee on, the sun
rose, the paper was chewed to pieces by the neighbor's pit bull. The air had
the smell of adventure and I was breathing deep.
I donned my fedora and made my way to Camden Avenue and Park Terrace. Spartan is a big city and I've got a big job to do. I'm Don Duckshearer, Private Eye.
I had just arrived at my office when the phone rang (Phone ringing sound effects - Don picks up phone) hello (Pause) Funny there's no one there. (Knock at the door - hangs phone up and goes to door) Yes, can I help you.
MARY ANNE: Can you help me?
DON: (Looks out at audience) I could tell that she needed help.
MARY ANNE: That's probably because I just asked you for help.
DON: Yes, that's how I knew.
MARY ANNE: (Pause - confused - then brightens) That's brilliant.
DON: How did you know I was here?
MARY ANNE: I called on my cell phone from the hallway. When you answered I knew you were in - so I knocked.
DON: Brilliant detective work - although not necessarily a wise consumer of cellular technology.
MARY ANNE: (Embarrassed) Thanks, I think.
DON: (Looks out at audience) I could tell I was going to like her.
MARY ANNE: Flatterer. (Giggles) Anyway. I lost something and I need you to find it.
DON: (Grabs a notepad) You lost something?
MARY ANNE: Wow, you work fast (Looks at the notebook and grabs it - putting it in her purse). Yes, I lost my notebook but there is something else.
DON: (Looks around) Too bad I don't have something to write on - I seem to do a lot better if I can take notes.
MARY ANNE: (Pulls out note book and tears out a sheet) Seems like you need some office supplies around here.
DON: Uh, thanks. Now what's you're name?
MARY ANNE: Is that important?
DON: To you it is.
MARY ANNE: Oh, I suppose your right.
DON: So what is your name?
MARY ANNE: I already know my name and it is important to me - you are sure right about that (giggles).
DON: (Looks out at the audience) I was beginning to wonder if she would ever get around to telling me her story - then I wondered if I would even understand it - or if I would even be remotely interested. Then I began to think about a chocolate covered sundae with peanuts and whipped cream and a….
MARY ANNE: (Mildly angry) Look buster, my name is Mary Anne Cisler. I am an only child, I like long rides on a Ferris wheel and short conversations with silly men. I don't care much for oatmeal but I am rather fond of raisins.
DON: My dear lady, raisins are nothing more than a grape that lost its purpose.
MARY ANNE: So does that mean grapes are purpose driven raisins?
DON: (Thoughtful) Yes, I suppose it does.
MARY ANNE: If it weren't for the fact that I need your help I'd walk right out that door, mister.
DON: Okay - spill it lady. Tell me what I can do to help.
MARY ANNE: I've been really uptight lately.
MARY ANNE: Yes. Finances, work, family - you name it, I'm uptight about it.
DON: You said you were missing something.
MARY ANNE: That's right.
DON: So is this what's making you 'uptight'?
MARY ANNE: Not really. I think I'm uptight because I'm missing something.
DON: (Looks out at the audience) Have you ever felt like a dog chasing it's tail? I've been spinning around in circles for so long now, I feel like one more ring around the chew toy and I'll be looking like a canine donut.
MARY ANNE: Look, can you help me or not?
DON: (Frustrated) I'd love to, but it will take some fancy detective work just to discover what it is that's you're missing in the first place.
MARY ANNE: (Smiles) I can see I came to the right place. Thanks! (Walks out)
DON: (Looks out at the audience) This was going to be tougher than I thought.
All I knew was that Mary Anne Cisler was missing something and that she was
uptight. Oh yeah, she also used her cell phone in creative ways. Since Mary
Anne hadn't left a phone number I did what any self respecting detective would
do. I dialed *69 and let the phone company tell me the last number that was
called to my office phone. At least I could track her down for billing purposes.
I interviewed several people who claimed to know Mary Anne.
VOICE # 1: Cisler?
VOICE # 2: Never heard of her.
VOICE # 3: Sweet gal. A little distracted.
VOICE # 1: Never heard of her.
VOICE # 3: Seems to need some peace in her life.
VOICE # 1: Was that Cisler or Sissel?
VOICE # 2: Never heard of her.
DON: (Looks out at the audience) Have you ever had those days when you just can't seem to get voices out of your head? (Shakes head) I decided to drop by the news stand and get a newspaper that hadn't been used to sharpen dog's teeth.
NEWSPAPER BOY: That'll be a nickel, sir.
DON: A nickel? Here's a five cent piece - keep the change.
NEWSPAPER BOY: (Mock sincerity) Thank you Sir, now perhaps I can attend the university.
DON: (Looks out at the audience as boy leaves stage) I'm very civic minded and love to help out the youth whenever I can - but today my mind was unraveling the mystery behind Mary Anne's missing - uh, thingy. The next day Mary Anne came to visit me again.
DON: That must be her now.
MARY ANNE: So how do I get it back, Mr. Duckshearer?
DON: First of all, you can't get back what you never had, my dear. It seems that you need friends - something that has been sorely missing from your day to day experience. You just need to find individuals with similar interests and this unsettled feeling will go away faster than a nasty case of acid reflux under the influence of antacid.
MARY ANNE: (Confused again) You thought I needed friends?
DON: Uh, right up until that part where you said, "You thought I needed friends?" Yes, that's exactly what I thought - but I'm open to your interpretation.
MARY ANNE: I have plenty of friends Mr. Duckshearer. In fact I have more than I can keep up with. I work late, I get up early, I spend mass quantities of time getting my hair to do this (points to her hair). I am so busy that I am confused, I am angry and I have no…
MARRY ANNE: (Relief) You have redeemed yourself, Don. (Don grins in embarrassment) That's what I don't have.
VOICE # 3: Didn't I say that very thing not just three minutes ago.
DON: (Looks all around) Did you hear that?
MARY ANNE: Hear what?
DON: Never mind.
MARY ANNE: So can you help me Mr. Duckshearer?
DON: I think I can. Let me read from this instruction manual. (Looks through a Bible) Ah, here it is…Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
MARY ANNE: Don't worry - pray, tell God what I need, thank Him and the peace comes?
DON: As you live in Christ Jesus - yes!
MARY ANNE: Why that's wonderful, Mr. Duckshearer.
DON: Thank you.
MARY ANNE: What do I owe you?
DON: I'll just be happy to see you regain some of your lost peace.
MARY ANNE: So what's in it for you, Don?
DON: I had an old forest ranger friend once tell me that more than any money it was always best to do your work for the satisfaction and pride of a job well done.
DELIVERY BOY: (Knocks on door) Delivery for Mr. Duckshaver.
DON: That's Duckshearer.
DELIVERY BOY: Whatever. Sign here. (Signs and boy walks off stage - Don opens letter.)
DON: (Reads briefly as Mary Anne watches) Why this is horrible.
MARY ANNE: What's wrong?
DON: I could be the next 10 million dollar winner.
MARY ANNE: What's wrong with that?
DON: Listen little lady, when you've seen as many cases as I have, you tend to learn that not every little quick cure is really going to cure anything. In fact it often brings more problems to the surface.
MARY ANNE: Okay, well, I'll just 'dispose' of this for you (Puts it in her purse). Good bye Mr. Duckshearer.
DON: (Looks at the audience) It's always nice when you can help someone else out - but there's more hurt and anguish on the mean streets of Spartan and I'll be there to answer the call (Phone rings - picks it up) I'm sorry, Don Duckshearer Private Eye is in the middle of a meaningful monologue right now, please leave a message and he'll get right back to you - BEEP. (Pause as he scribbles things down) Is that with two l's (Pause) Hello. Hello. Hmmm. (Hangs up the phone).
VOICE # 3: Join us next time for exciting adventures of Don Duckshearer - Private Eye.
Fade to black
Copyright 2004 by Glenn A. Hascall, all rights reserved.
Should you use this script would you be so kind as to let us know of its use? glenn.hascall<a>gmail.com