Larry & The Librarian

by Glenn A. Hascall


Larry enters a library and begins asking questions about a book that the up-tight librarian has never heard of. The longer Larry describes the book he is interested in the more she finds that she is also interested. Soon, all library guests have just got to have that book.


LIBRARIAN - hair in a bun, reading glasses on tip of nose, conservative dress, dour look on face 
PATRON 1 - non-specific gender 
PATRON 2 - non-specific gender


(SETTING: Librarian sits at a desk stacked with books. She stamps cards and places them in a stack - a man enters the library and speaks loudly)
LARRY: Excuse me.
LARRY: (Only slightly subdued) Oh, sorry about that. I mean, after all this is a library.
LIBRARIAN: Yes it is, and people are trying to study, so if you don't mind.
LARRY: Oh, I don't mind at all (Looks around) you guys go ahead and study. Don't mind me.
LARRY: Did you need something.
LIBRARIAN: Yes, for you to be quiet. (Pause) Now did you need something?
LARRY: (Completely quiet)
LIBRARIAN: Well, are you going to stand there all day or are you going to tell me what you need?
LARRY: (Smiles mischievously but says nothing)
LIBRARIAN: Well speak up - either you need something or you don't!
LARRY: You told me to be quiet.
LIBRARIAN: You are impossible.
LARRY: (Sticks out his hand) No, I'm Larry Henderson. Pleased to meet you.
LIBRARIAN: (Looks at his hand but does not offer to shake it).
LARRY: Well, (Pulls hand back) I was looking for a book of poetry.
LIBRARIAN: Try over there, you'll find Hemingway and Frost...
LARRY: (Mischievous again) I think I'm becoming well acquainted with the works of Frost right here (Chuckles at his own joke and notices that the Librarian is not laughing - the laughter dies quickly).
LIBRARIAN: (Not amused) Or if that's too cerebral for you, you might check over there. We have a wide selection of Dr. Seusse.
LARRY: How about action.
LIBRARIAN: (Stamps a card and points to any area of the stage).
LARRY: Love story?
LIBRARIAN: (Point to another area)
LARRY: Genealogy?
LIBRARIAN: Check the computer files over there (Points again).
LARRY: Prophecy.
LIBRARIAN: The works of Jean Dixon and Nostridamus are found over there (Points again) But I must remind you that there is a limit to the number of books you can check out.
LARRY: Oh, don't you have a book that has all those things in it?
LIBRARIAN: (Clearly at her wits end) Sir, I have tried to help you find what you are looking for. Now you ask the impossible. Surely there is no one book that has poetry, action, love story and genealogy.
LARRY: Oh and prophecy, don't forget prophecy.
LIBRARIAN: How could I forget.
LARRY: So you know of no such book.
LIBRARIAN: I have been with the library for many...
LARRY: Many?
LIBRARIAN: MANY years and I can state with absolute certainty that there is no such book. Now if there is nothing else...
LARRY: What would you say if I told you that I have come across such a book.
LIBRARIAN: Then I'd be forced to ask why you bothered coming to the library and annoying me - sir!
LARRY: I figured that if you knew about a book that had all of those things, plus ancient history and the writings of the wisest king to ever rule on earth that you might be interested in putting it on your shelf.
LIBRARIAN: You're telling me that you know of such a book.
LIBRARIAN: Who's the publisher (Takes a pen and a paper).
LARRY: Oh, this book has been published by more publishing firms than I can name.
LIBRARIAN: That's impossible. If there had been multiple publishing houses, certainly a library of our stature would have been made aware of such a rare literary masterpiece.
LARRY: Would you be surprised to know that this book has, within its pages, the ability to change a person's life forever.
LIBRARIAN: (Skeptical) It might - IF such a book existed!
LARRY: Oh, but it does and I'd like to give you a copy.
LIBRARIAN: (Warms slightly to Larry) You have a copy of this book?
LARRY: Picked it up this morning.
LIBRARIAN: May I see it?
LARRY: (Holds up a book bag and pulls out a copy of the Bible).
LIBRARIAN: (Instantly cold to Larry) You should have told me you were looking for fairy tales - they are over there (Points to yet another location on stage).
LARRY: Some people think this is filled with fairy tales. I can understand that, if they have never read it.
LARRY: You've read it, haven't you?
LIBRARIAN: (Searches for a response and then gives up) No, I have not!
LARRY: Yet you seem to know so much about it.
LIBRARIAN: Enough I suppose.
LARRY: Then you know of the many love stories found in here (holds up the book).
LIBRARIAN: I would be surprised to find a love story worth note in THAT book.
LARRY: Here, (opens Bible) read this.
(Other patrons come closer to hear what is to be read).
LIBRARIAN: (Starts reading quietly)
LARRY: Out loud please.
LIBRARIAN: (Upset but complies - Note: Reference is Song of Solomon 8:7) Many waters cannot quench love, (Seems surprised as she reads on) nor will rivers overflow it; if a man were to give all the riches of his house for love, it would be utterly despised. (Pause) That was beautiful.
LARRY: So you have never read that before.
LIBRARIAN: (Confused) I had no idea that was in there.
LARRY: And that's not even the best love story. You'd need to read John for that.
LARRY: And the book is just full of action. Why, did you know that two women, Deborah and Jael, were used to defeat an army?
LIBRARIAN: That's in here?
LARRY: The book of Judges.
LIBRARIAN: (Curious despite herself) You mentioned poetry?
LARRY: May I (Motions toward the Bible she is looking at).
LIBRARIAN: (Reluctantly gives up the Bible)
LARRY: (Reads Psalm 91:1-4 she closes her eyes and is moved by the passage) He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the LORD, "My refuge and my fortress, My God in whom I trust!" For it is He who delivers you from the snare of the trapper and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with His pinions, And under His wings you may seek refuge; His faithfulness is a shield and bulwark.
LIBRARIAN: That was beautiful.
LARRY: Genealogy is handled in books like first and second Chronicles and some in Matthew and Luke as well as other locations throughout the Book.
LIBRARIAN: You mentioned prophecy.
LARRY: Daniel and Revelations are good places to start.
PATRON 1: You say that all of that is in that book?
LARRY: Yes - and a whole lot more. Like guidance on everything from finances to finding the right person to marry.
PATRON 2: Could I check it out first?
LIBRARIAN: (Looks desperately at Larry) I believe He gave this to me as a personal gift?
LARRY: Oh, yes I did. (Patrons upset) But I just so happen to have more.
(Pandemonium erupts as library patrons nearly mob Larry to get their own copy of the Bible)

Copyright 2003 by Glenn A. Hascall
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