Prayer Clinic

By Andy Lund


Andy calls a telephone help line to get some assistance with learning to pray.


Phone caller
Telephone counsellor


1: (Phoning) Oh good morning

2: Good afternoon. It is after 12.

1: Ah yes, thank you.

2: We are here to help.

1: That is the C.A.B. isn’t it?

2: Indeed, sir. This is the Christians’ Advisory Centre at your service. For help with any problem however large or small that may be worrying you. From pre to post millenialism from "did Adam have a belly button" to "what were the precise colours of Joseph’s coat?"

1: (Warily) Oh …great…

2: Allied to God’s Childline

1: Fantastic…

2: Combined with the Well Pray-er Centre.

1: Oh even better. You see it’s prayer I’m phoning about.

2: You’ve come to the right person then. Are we talking about the Lord’s prayer here – or as we should say the disciples’ prayer - or maybe Moses great prayer…or Deborah’s… or there again the prayer of Simeon over the infant Jesus which you may know as the Nunc Dimittis…

1: No…no… I’ve never heard of half of them. …Nunc Dimittis sounds like some new planet name. No it’s more practical really.

2: May I ask then - is it a question about adoration, confession, thanksgiving or supplication. We have something to fit all types of prayer.

1: What was that again?

2: Adoration, confession, thanksgiving or supplication. Most people know those are the main types of prayer. Are you new to this?

1: Well, yes I am really. I wasn’t so much concerned about …adornments, … err concessions…or err supper invitations …it was more …well…what to say really. I mean where do I start?

2: Well I always recommend starting where you are.

1: I’m at home.

2: No I mean start with yourself. You’ve got a lot to be thankful for…

1: Oh I’ll say. Since I met the Lord….

2: I mean you could have ended up in a far worse situation. You could be a criminal or a wife swapper or…..err, you’re not are you?

1: Well actually yes. At least I wanted to be. I thought I’d swop my wife for a second hand Skoda. No just kidding. A bit of a joke.

2: (Frostily) Quite. Not really the right time or place for levity. I take it then that you aren’t a criminal or a wife swapper or anything like that.

1: Well, no.

2: So that’s where you begin. Thank God you haven’t fallen so low. Thank him that you aren’t like the rest. What do you do actually?

1: Oh a bit of this and that. You know a bit of wheeling and dealing and so on.

1: (Suspiciously) I see. well anyway then you could go on to give God an account of how you are doing for him.

1: How do you mean.

2: Well just remind him of how much you put in the collection last week and what you gave to charity and so on…

1: Doesn’t he know that already?

2: Oh yes. He is omniscient.

1: Oh, I thought he just knew everything.

2: Yes…But it never harms to remind the Almighty of your credentials. And then you could remind him of your fasting.

1: Well I’ve slowed down a lot since I got rid of my motorbike.

2: Not fast…fast.

1: What?

2: You know going without food for a period of time….for faith reasons.

1: Oh yes. I usually do that all night after I turn in….though I have been known to raid the fridge in the early hours.

2: Well, I suppose it's a start. You’ll get into it a bit more as you go along. Anyway these are the types of things you need to be putting into your prayer. If you want to impress. I assume you do want to impress the Lord?

1: I hadn’t really thought about it.

2: Well what was your big idea when it comes to prayer, if I might ask?

1: Well…

2: Don’t be shy. We all have to start somewhere.

1:  That’s why I phoned you in the first place. All I could think of saying was, "Please God help me. I’m a wash out. Can you help?"

2: Good grief!


© Andy Lund
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